George Awards: Tell Him You'd Make a Terrific Juror

 Warning

This post contains bad, foul, filthy and unacceptable language - the words that “will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace without honor.”

This is not a post for children.  Kids, take a hike.

This is also not a post for those adults who are offended by this type of language.  Do yourself a favor, and go read some of my cute stuff before moral outrage can kick in.

Just about everything else on this blog is clean…Stupid sometimes, but clean.

End of Warning.

The next entry of this year's  George Awards is a truly embarrassing omission. Last year when I cited Joe Pesci's appearance in the Lethal Weapon franchise, I looked for the older post where he was awarded one for his appearance in My Cousin Vinny from 1992. 

HOLY SHIT, I've never given that film George Award recognition!

It deserves that (dubious) honor, not only for gorgeous use of profanity, but also being highly educational.

Yes, it has been cited by many lawyers and high ranking judges for its accuracy portraying the legal system.

However, that is not the educationalness I am referring to.

There is a stark difference between the way the "grit eating world" making up many parts of this country handles conversation and the way Italians from New York do. This is above and beyond the definition of "Yout."

The discrepancy can lead to conflicts as Vinny pointed out to Bill (Ralph Macchio) and Stan (Mitchel Whitfield): 

 

 "Hey, Stan, you're in Ala-fuckin'-bama. 

You come from New York. 

You killed a good ol' boy. 

There is no way this is not going to trial!"

As was demonstrated in a courtroom moment with Fred Gwynn's Judge Haller, these differences in speech pattern can cause ... misunderstandings:

Judge Haller- "I don't like your attitude."

Vinny-  "So what else is new?"

Judge Haller- "I'm holding you in contempt of court."

Vinny- *aside* -"Now there's a fuckin' surprise."

Judge Haller- "What did you say? What did you just say?"

Vinny- "Huh? What did I say?"

 
Therefore the interactions between Vincent LaGuardia Gambini and Mona Lisa Vito (played astonishingly well by Marisa Tomei) with each other and the townsfolk provide highly informative examples to the much slower moving rest of the nation on how New York Italians converse in multiple situations.

Negotiation skills are key, as shown in this exchange when J.T. (Chris Ellis) gets a lesson in them after welching on a bet with Lisa:

Vinny- “I understand you played a game of pool with Lisa for $200, 

which she won. 

I'm here to collect.”

J.T- “How 'bout if I just kick your ass?”

Vinny- “Oh, a counter-offer. 

That's what we lawyers - I'm a lawyer - we lawyers call that a counter-offer. 

This is a tough decision here. 

Get my ass kicked or collect $200. 

Let me think... 

I could use a good ass-kickin', I'll be very honest with you... 

nah, I think I'll just go with the two hundred.”

J.T.- “Over my dead body.”

Vinny- “You like to renegotiate as you go along, don't you? 

Well, here's my counter-offer... 

Do I have to kill you? 

What if I were just to kick the ever-loving shit out of you?”

J.T.- “In your dreams.”

Vinny- “Oh, no, no... in reality. 

If I was to kick the shit out of you, 

do I get the money?”

J.T.*stunned*- “You kick the shit out of me.”

Vinny- “Yeah.”

J.T.- “Yeah. You get the money.”

Vinny- “So, here are my options. 

Option A: I get my ass kicked, or 

Option B: I kick your ass and collect the 200. 

*dramatic pause*

Think I'm gonna go with Option B: 

Kickin' your ass and collecting $200.”

There's cooperative planning, shown to be efficient as they complete all listed tasks, and he has time to knock J.T. cold and grab the $200 without breaking stride in a subsequent meeting:

Vinny- "I got thirty fucking minutes to take a shower, 

get a new suit, 

get dressed 

and get to the fucking courthouse!"

Lisa- "You fucking shower, 

I'll get your fucking suit!"

 

And also respectful disagreements:

Lisa- *sigh* 

If you will look in the manual, 

you will see that this particular model faucet requires a range of 

10 to 16 foot-pounds of torque. 

I routinely twist the maximum allowable torquage.

Vinny- "Well, how could you be sure you used 16 foot-pounds of torque?"

Lisa- "Because I used a Craftsman model 1019 

Laboratory Edition Signature Series 

torque wrench. 

The kind used by Caltech high energy physicists. 

And NASA engineers."

Vinny- "Well, in that case, 

how can you be sure THAT's accurate?"

Lisa- "Because a split second before the torque wrench was applied to the faucet handle,

 it had been calibrated by top members of the state 

AND 

federal Department of Weights and Measures... 

to be dead on balls accurate!"

*Lisa tears a page out of a completely unrelated magazine and submits it as evidence*

"Here's the certificate of validation."

Vinny- "Dead on balls accurate?"

Lisa- "It's an industry term."

Vinny- *throws certificate* 

"I guess the fuckin' thing is broken."

Yes, I have used the term "dead on balls accurate" at my engineering job to talk about equipment calibration.

And finally, there is the New York Italian methods for the serious discussion of life long aspirations, goals, and romantic partnerships:

Lisa- "So what's you're problem?"

Vinny- "My problem is, I wanted to win my first case without any help from anybody."

Lisa- "Well, I guess that plan's moot."

Vinny- "Yeah."

Lisa- "You know, 

this could be a sign of things to come. 

You win all your cases, 

but with somebody else's help, right? 

You win case after case, 

and then afterwards you have to go up to somebody and you have to say, 

'Thank you.'"

*Dramatic Pause with a "Look"*

"Oh, my God, 

what a fuckin' nightmare!"

*shortly followed by*

Vinny- "I won my first case, 

you know what this means..."

Lisa- "Yeah, you think I'm gonna marry you."

Vinny- "What, now you're not gonna marry me?"

Lisa- "No way. You can't even win a case by yourself, 

you're fuckin' useless."

Before finishing the tribute to this fantastic and highly George Award worth film, I need to mention two more Marisa Tomei moments, for different reasons.

The first is:

Lisa- "Famous for your mud? How's your Chinese food?"

Vinny- "You just keep asking about Chinese food. 

You gotta let everybody know you're a tourist?"

Lisa- "Yeah, well, what are you, a fuckin' world traveler?"

Because her reaction directly before it, when he references his cowboy boots of,

"Oh yeah, you blend." 

has been part of my own vocabulary since this film came out thirty years ago. (On March 13. FUCK! another almost perfect accidental anniversary post off by about a month.)

The second, is her outstanding reply to Vinny wondering what pants he should wear to go hunting:

"Imagine you're a deer. 

You're prancing along, 

you get thirsty, 

you spot a little brook, 

you put your little deer lips down to the cool clear water... 

BAM! 

A fuckin bullet rips off part of your head! 

Your brains are laying on the ground in little bloody pieces! 

Now I ask ya. 

Would you give a fuck what kind of pants the son of a bitch who shot you was wearing?"

Aside from it being brilliantly, profanely funny, it serves as an excellent transition.

Dana DeLorenzo, sparkling, and potty mouthed, star of Ash Vs Evil Dead, and the namesake of the Dana Awards for Profanity in Television, did a spot on performance of that scene.

Click here to see why there is only one choice to play Lisa if this film ever gets remade.

Then come back next week for the winner of this year's Dana Award!