Mystery Star Trek Theater V: This One Doesn't Exist

On starting on the wrong foot:
Anabelle- “Are there Klingons in this one?”
Me- “Yes.”
Anabelle- “I hate Klingons. 
A stain on space.”
 
On the opening:
Me- “That bald guy [J’onn] was Morgan Earp in the Cowboy episode.”
Anabelle- “I slept through that one.”
Sybok- “Your pain runs deep.”
Anabelle- “Is he an empath? Like that girl in that other episode.”
J’onn- “You’re a Vulcan!”
Anabelle- “I thought his eyebrows looked weird.
Could have been a Romulan though.
I can dream.”
 
On the opening credits:
Anabelle- “They moved names to alphabetical order. Woo!”
 
On the rock climbing:
Anabelle- “Those are some hideous pants on the climber.”
…
*The climb continues*
Anabelle- “This is going on too long.
Enough of the climbing man.
*It is revealed l that Captain Kirk is climbing*
Anabelle- “Oh hi.  Why are you climbing this rock?”
McCoy- “You'll have a great time, Bones. You'll enjoy your shore leave. You'll be able to relax.' You call this relaxing? I'm a nervous wreck.
If I'm not careful I'll end up talking to myself.”
Anabelle- “I love him so much.
Why is he rock climbing in pajamas?”
*Spock appears*
Anabelle- “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!
What, is he wearing flying boots?
Oh, jeeze, he is.”
Spock- “Captain, I do not think you realize the gravity of your situation.”
Kirk- “On the contrary. Gravity is foremost on my mind.”
Anabelle- “oooh. Gravity. Because he’s going to plummet.
Good riddance.”
*Kirk does indeed plummet,
Spock dives after him*
Rosa- “SUPERMAN!” *sings theme*
Anabelle- “This movie is bad.”
Kirk- “Hi, Bones. Mind if we drop in for dinner?”
Anabelle- “This movie is terrible.”
 
On Caithlin Dar, on the Nimbus III Council:
Anabelle- “She’s a Romulan! YES!
I should have known from how snazzy her cape was.
I love her sparkly ensemble.”
 
On the crew assembling on the wonky Enterprise A:
Anabelle- “Uhura saunters in like a girl boss.”
Scotty- “Uhura, I thought you were on leave?”
Uhura- “And I thought we were supposed to be going together.”
Scotty- “Oh I can't leave her when she needs me the most.”
Uhura- “I had a feeling you would say something like that.
So I brought us
*flourish* 

dinner.”
Scotty- “Oh lass, you're the most understanding woman I know.”
Anabelle- “WHAT!
THE HELL!
WAS THAT?!”
 
On Sulu and Chekov being lost:
Chekov- “You can't tell them we're lost. We'd never live it down.”
Anabelle- “True, Uhura would kill you.”
Uhura- “Is there a problem, gentlemen?”
Sulu- “Er, ...yes.
Er... We've been caught in a blizzard!”
Chekov- *incredibly cheesy blowing on the communicator noises*
“And we can't see a ting. Request you direct us to the co-ordinates.”
Uhura- “My visual says *knowing pause* sunny skies and seventy degrees.”
Chekov- “Sulu! Look! The sun's come out! It's a miracle!”
Uhura- *on communicator* “Don't worry, fellas. Your secret's safe with me.
I'll send the shuttlecraft to pick you up.”
Sulu- “Uhura, I owe you one.”
Anabelle- “I love these three SO much!”
 
On the campfire scene:
McCoy- *banging triangle and yelling* “Come and get it! Come and get it!”
Kirk- *Next to him* “Bones! Bones! Knock it off. We're right here.”
Anabelle- “This movie is terrible.”
…
McCoy- “…What did you do?
You piss me off. Human life is far too precious to risk on crazy stunts.”
Anabelle- “Real. Say it again.
He’s getting southern sounding again. That happens when he’s mad.”
…
Kirk- “I've always known
I'll die alone.”
Anabelle- “That’s a bit of a mood shift.”
…
Spock- “I am preparing to toast a 'marsh melon'.”
Anabelle- “Oh my God it’s that thing you have.”
Me- “In the novel it talks about how Bones reprogrammed the camping database in the computer because he knew Spock would look up what to do and he wanted him to get the name wrong.”
Anabelle- “I absolutely believe Bones would do that.”
…
Spock- “I believe we are required to engage in a ritual known as the sing-along.”
Anabelle- “If they start singing, I’m gonna throw up.”
*They toss out a bunch of names and settle on “Row Row Row Your Boat.” *
Anabelle- “That is not a campfire song.
I wanna hear the Rigel 7 song”
Kirk- “Come on, Spock? Why didn't you jump in?”
Spock- “I was trying to comprehend the meaning of the words.”
McCoy- “It's a song, you green-blooded…
Vulcan.
You sing it. The words aren't important.
What's important is that you have a good time singing it.”
Spock- “Oh, I am sorry, Doctor. ...Were we having a good time?”
McCoy- “God! I liked him better before he died.”
Anabelle- “He’s so hysterical. I love him.”
…
Spock- “Life is not a dream.”
Anabelle – “This movie is so bad.”
 
On the word for Romulan in Klingon being ‘Romulush’:
Anabelle- *laughs so hard she needs to pause the movie*
 
On the shuttle ride back to the Enterprise-A:
Kirk- “'All I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by.'”
McCoy- “Melville.”
Spock- “John Masefield.”
McCoy- “Are you sure about that?”
Spock- “I am well versed in the classics, Doctor.”
McCoy- “Then how come you don't know 'Row, Row, Row Your Boat?'”
Anabelle- “I love you Doctor McCoy!
I love his coat too.
Shouldn’t this be the Galileo, like, twenty-eight?”
*They go to the bridge*
Anabelle- “I love this ship.
Why didn’t the other one look like this?”
Kirk- “I miss my old chair.”
Anabelle- “That ugly blue one? No you don’t.
He just liked the one where he could shoot crewmen into space
Weeeee!”
 
On the big three meeting in the observation room in uniform:
Anabelle- “Ugh, the ugly flare pants are back.
Why is the Captain wearing a jacket?
Is it because the flap on the other thing kept opening?”
McCoy- “Imagine that. A passionate Vulcan.”
Anabelle- *as McCoy* “Like you were in that cave, Spock, when you almost killed me.”
 
On the Nimbus III rescue mission:
Scotty- “Transporter still inoperative. Even if we could lock on to the hostages, we could'na beam them up.”
Anabelle- “When are they ever operative?”
…
Chekov- “This is Captain Pavel Chekov. You are in violation of Neutral Zone treaty. I advise you to release your hostages at once or suffer the consequences.”
Anabelle- *bouncing on couch with visible excitement* “YAAAAS!”
…
Anabelle- “Are those horses? I hate this movie.”
*Uhura does the fan dance and “sings” *
Anabelle- “What in God’s name is going on?
What is happening?
I hate William Shatner.
I am blaming him for everything wrong with this movie. 
I feel like Uhura would not do that.”
*They ride into the city and start the attack*
Me- “Spock just neck pinched a horse
Anabelle- “Sigh. I don’t even care.”
Rosa- “Sulu is freaking out. He doesn’t want to be on this planet.”
Anabelle- “I don’t think Sulu is ever not freaking out internally.”
 
On Sybok’s plan:
“Sybok- “I'm sorry, Spock, I can't surrender now. I'm not through violating Neutral Zone Treaty. ...In fact, I'm just getting started. And for my next violation, I intend to steal something, ... something very big”
Anabelle- “The moon! It’s DespicableMe.”
 
On the shuttle flight back to the Enterprise A:
*Chekov goes to red alert when the Klingon ship cloaks*
Anabelle- “I love you Chekov!  Boo Klingons!”
Kirk- “Sybok, listen to me. In order for this craft to enter the landing bay, Enterprise must lower the shields and activate the tractor beam.
To bring us inside and then re-raise the shields will take...”
Spock- “Exactly fifteen point five seconds.”
Kirk- “An eternity…
during which we'll be vulnerable to a Klingon attack.”
Anabelle- “They need a tractor beam?  
Can’t they just… uh”
*makes swooping hand motions* “vooop! Right in?”

...
Kirk- “In order to lower and raise shields as quickly as possible, we're going to forego the tractor beam and fly her in manually.”
Anabelle- “That’s what I said. ‘vooop right in!’”
McCoy- “Manually?”
Anabelle- “He is so not OK!”
Sybok- “How often have you done this?”
Sulu- “Actually, it's my first attempt.”
Anabelle- “I trust him. He’s like,
‘I’m gonna make this as uncomfortable for the Vulcan as I am.’  
Look at him, [Sybok] he’s not good.”
Kirk- *about Sulu* “He's good.
Really.”
Anabelle- “So true. Have you met him?”
 
On Kirk getting tossed like a rag doll by Sybok after crashing:
Anabelle- “Did he also forget Vulcans are strong?
‘Cause I do that.
But I’m not a starship captain.”
 
On the big three in the brig:
Spock- “I have a half-brother.”
…
Kirk- “Why didn't you tell us this before?”
Spock- “I was not prepared to discuss matters of a personal nature.”
Anabelle- “Real. Remember when you had to dig Pon Farr out of him with a spoon?”
Spock- “For that I am sorry.”
Kirk- “That makes everything all right? I'm sorry...”
McCoy- “Stop it, Jim. Spock could no more kill his own brother than he could kill you.
If you want to punish him for what he's done, why don't you throw him in the brig?
…
Besides we've got bigger problems to deal with. Like how the hell do we get out of here?
I'll say one thing, Spock, you never cease to amaze me.”
Anabelle- “Thank you Doctor McCoy for being the only one having an ounce of sense.”
…
Spock- “This is a new brig, Captain. It is escape proof.”
Kirk- “How do you know?”
Spock- “The designers tested it using the most intelligent and resourceful person they could find. He failed to escape.”
Kirk- “This person? He didn't by any chance have pointed ears and an unerring capacity for getting his shipmates into trouble, did he?”
Spock- “He did have pointed ears.”
Anabelle- “Who pooped in your coffee James?
Tranq him McCoy!”
 
On more details of Sybok’s plan:
Sybok- “And above all else, they believed in a place in which these questions of existence would be answered. Modern dogma tells us this place is a myth. A fantasy concocted by pagans.  
It is no fantasy! I tell you *dramatic pause* it exists!”
Anabelle- “The promised land… again?
Will Eden be covered in acid again”
It comes up a lot.”
 
On the Jailbreak:
Spock- “It's a primitive form of communication known as Morse Code.”
Kirk- “You're right, Spock. I'm a little out of practice... That's an 's.'”
Spock – “I believe the next letter is a 't.'”
Anabelle- “They’re spelling Star Trek”
*The letters spell “Stand Back” it takes this a while to register for the Big Three*
Anabelle- “Move!”
*Explosion*
Anabelle- “Literal clowns.”
*They walk down the “service hallway(?)” with Scotty*
Anabelle- “Why are there giant Jeffries tubes?”
Kirk- “Which way to the turboshaft?”
Scotty- “Straight down that tunnel to the hydro vent and turn right, then left at the blowscreen. You can't miss it.”
Kirk- “Mister Scott, you're amazing.”
Scotty- “Nothing amazing about it. I know this ship like I know the back of my hand.”
*BONG! Scotty hits his head and knocks himself out*
Anabelle- “And THAT’S what you get for touching Uhura!”
Rosa- *laughs hysterically*
*The Big Three reach the turboshaft*
Anabelle- “It’s a giant disco tube.
Spock left. I don’t blame him, I would too.”
*Jim and Bones climb, Spock shows up with jet boots*
McCoy- “You two go ahead. I'll wait for the next car.”
Anabelle- “I love him. Why don’t you take McCoy first before he literally dies?
Awww they’re hugging.”
*Spock activates the turbo*
Anabelle- “This is so dumb.”
 
On Uhura finding Scotty:
Uhura- *Caresses Scotty’s face*
“Sybok has put us in touch with feelings we've always been afraid to express…
Scotty, there’s so much I want to tell you.”
Anabelle- *simultaneous from start of scene*  
“Get your hands off him!
I can’t!”
*stares intently at phone until scene ends* 
 
On Sybok trying to take the pain of the big three:
*Bones relives unplugging his father*
McCoy- “Not long after ...they found a cure. A goddamn cure!”
Anabelle- “This is terrible!
Didn’t you say there was no comedy in this one?”
Me- “Yeah, the studio forced a bunch in after the whales did so well.”
Anabelle- “This would have been the most depressing thing I’ve ever seen if they didn’t do that. Now it is aggressive mood shifting.”
Me- “Shatner wanted Spock and McCoy to side with Sybok after this scene.”
Anabelle- *deadpan* “What… a surprise.”
Me- “Nimoy and Kelley said, ‘uh…no.’”
Anabelle- “As they should.”
 
On sighting Sha-Ka-Ree:
McCoy- “Are we dreaming?”
Anabelle- “I wish. Then I could wake up.”
Kirk- “If we are, then life is a dream.”
Anabelle- “Oh that’s why they sang ‘Row Row Row,’ like clowns."
…
Sybok- “Sha Ka Ree.
Korrd- “Qui'Tu.”
Caithlin- “Vorta Vor.”
Talbot- “Eden.”
Anabelle- “Wait, wasn’t Genesis Eden too? It really comes up a lot.”
Me- “The Andromedan invaders planted the idea.”
Anabelle- “Uh huh.”
 
On distractions:
Anabelle- “What are you doing?”
Rosa- “Looking up insurance stuff for Abuelita.”
Anabelle- “Is it more fun than this movie?”
Rosa- *giggles*
Anabelle- “At least the first one was fun to make fun of.
This one is half that and half devastating.”
 
On the Big Three and Sybok taking the shuttle down:
Anabelle- “Woo hoo. Eden.
A rock.
Don’t take your shoes off anyone.”
*They scramble down the embankment*
Anabelle- *sings* “The hills are alive…”
*Kirk calls the Enterprise*
Anabelle- “WOO! The communicator noise is back.
Beep be deep be deep boop boop
Bringing back my communicator impression in celebration.”
 
On the being that summoned Sybok appearing in the blue column and changing shapes:
Anabelle- “A whale. Ooooo [whale noise]
‘It’s me the whale you rescued.’”
*It keeps changing*
Anabelle- “It’s that guy who was all the other guys.”
Me- “Flint.”
Anabelle- “No, Brahma.”
Me- “That was Flint.”
Anabelle- “Oh, I don’t care!
But I’ll be very upset if it is God.”
Kirk- “Excuse me. ...I'd just like to ask a question.
What does God need with a starship?”
…
Being- “You doubt me?”
Kirk- “I seek proof.”
McCoy- “Jim, you don’t ask the almighty for his I.D.”
Being- “Then here is the proof you seek.”
*the being zaps him*
Anabelle- “Oh, he killed him so he can go to heaven and know.”
…
Spock- “You have not answered his question. What does God need with a starship?”
*the being zaps him too*
Anabelle- “Spock is dead again. We hate to see it”
Being- “Do you doubt me?”
McCoy- “I doubt any God who inflicts pain for his own pleasure.”
Anabelle- “I love you, Doctor McCoy!”
*Makes Heart Hands*
“Wait, how is *gestures to big glowy thing on the screen* THAT going to get on the Enterprise?”
Me- “Energy beings came on the ship all the time in the show. That’s my theory, they’re all connected to this one and its plan.”
Anabelle- “So…
Your theory hinges on the worst movie in humanity.  
Y’know, I was on board with it ‘till now.”
 
On Kirk calling a torpedo shot directly on their position:
Kirk- “Send it down Mister Chekov. ...Now! ...Run! “
Anabelle- “Thank you Captain Kirk for being useful, for once.”
 
On Spock interacting with the Klingons:
Spock- “Captain Kirk is not among us.”
Klaa- “You lie!”
Spock- “I am a Vulcan. I'm incapable of lying.”
Anabelle- “He said… lying.”
Spock- “Captain Kirk is on the planet below.”
Klaa- “Then give me his co-ordinates!”
Spock- “General, I am in need of your assistance.”
Korrd- “My assistance?”
Spock- “You are his superior officer.”
Korrd- “I'm a foolish old man.”
Spock- “Damn you, sir…you will try!”
Rosa- “WHOAH!!!”
Anabelle- *snaps fingers* “Uhura’s behind him like, ‘mmm HMMMMMM!’”
 
On Kirk’s rescue by Spock in the Klingon ship:
Kirk- “I thought I was going to die.”
Spock- “Not possible. You were never alone.”
Anabelle- *scoffs* “OK, that was sweet.
But I don’t like how they keep bringing up dying alone.”
*Kirk goes to hug Spock*
Spock- “Please, Captain. Not in front of the Klingons.”
Anabelle- “So real.”
 
On the celebration reception:
Scotty- “Would you care for a wee nip of scotch whisky?”
Korrd- *grunts appreciatively*
Scotty- *To Uhura* “I never thought I'd ever be drinking with a Klingon.”
*They go off together*
 Anabelle- “Stop it!!!
Get away!”
…
Kirk- “Cosmic thoughts, gentlemen?”
McCoy- “We were speculating
'Is God really out there?'”
Kirk- “Maybe He's not out there, Bones. Maybe He's right here *touches middle of chest*
in the human heart.
Spock?”
Anabelle- *as Spock* “Mine is actually down here.”
*Touches liver*
Spock- “I was thinking of Sybok. I have lost a brother.”
Kirk- “Yes.
I lost a brother once. But I was lucky, I got him back.”
Anabelle and Rosa – “Awwwww.”
*Yes, and me too. *
 
On the end campfire:
Anabelle- “I can’t do this.
Oh! Lyre! I love his lyre!”
Me- “This movie does have a bunch of cute character moments like this.”
Anabelle- “This is not a cute moment.”
Me- “You’re no fun.”
Anabelle- “I am tons of fun.”
*Spock plays and they all sing “Row row row your boat” while we argue*
Anabelle- “That was awful.”

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